Thanksgiving starts “the most wonderful time of the year,” but it also signals some rather interesting meals with relatives. Some you haven’t seen for a long time, some you don’t want to see, some you have a conflict with and some you’ve never met. The question is how do you make these family meals as enjoyable as possible? Behavior specialist Dr. Marcie Beigel has some tips and tricks on navigating your Thanksgiving peacefully.
3 difficult personality types and how to deal with them
Negative naysayer – The person who always finds the negative element or problem. Like the famous character from Saturday Night Live “Debbie Downer.” The person who will focus on the problems all day long and go in circles to point them out again and again. Solution – don’t argue with this person or try to convince them to see the other side. You can’t win this conversation and will consistently feel frustrated. Instead, act like you are listening and only give short responses like “I see” or “Hmm” or “Interesting.”
The Gossip – The family member who likes to stir the pot by sharing all the personal details in quiet individual conversations. The drama is what is interesting to this family member. Solution – put yourself in the person shoes who is being talked about and attempt to create transparent conversations. So you could say something like – “if they want to talk to me about that, I would be happy to help them out” or “while I would love to discuss their life with you, I am going to wait till they tell me about it”. Speak with purpose and you can save your entire family aggravation.
The Controller – Most families have at least one family member who wants to control everything and everyone, has an opinion about it all and demands that their rules are followed. On a holiday, when things are a bit more relaxed it may be hard to dance with the person who wants everything just so. Solution – find out what this person really wants and make plans together. Don’t wait for the orders to be barked, ask in advance how to help and communicate what you are doing. This way their voice can be heard and considered throughout the process.
3 topics to avoid on Thanksgiving
Politics, politics and politics – especially this year. Whether you are on the same side or differing sides, it will only add stress to your holiday
Gossip – Avoid telling stories that point out others bad sides. No need to share details about a family friend going through a nasty divorce or struggles the neighbors are having with their children. This includes that family secret that no one talks about – let it go for this meal.
Sex, drugs and rock and roll – What I mean here are ANY topics that are hot buttons for your family, each family has different ones and you know what they are. It is tempting to push each others buttons, but it will not lead to a pleasant holiday experience. Be the person who does not start these conversations and make the choice to walk out of the room when they are started. It will make the entire weekend feel better.
3 topics that work well for Thanksgiving and spending time to your family
Gratitude – what are you grateful for? It is actually what the holiday is all about after all
Accomplishments over the past year – before you head to dinner, think about a few great things that have happened since last time you gathered with your family and be prepared with stories to share.
Games and activities – family time does not have to be about just sitting around talking, do things together – play a game of scrabble and talk about the words being created. Do a puzzle and talk about how you fit challenging pieces together. When in doubt, activities are a great conversation started and topic.
Take out an old picture album and go through stories from your family – memories of family vacations and highlights of growing up will bring a smile to your thanksgiving events.
More about the expert:
Based in NYC, Dr. Marcie Beigel is the founder and director of Behavior + Beyond. She works on behavior and family issues with all children, but her specialty includes those labeled with ADHD, ODD, OCD and Autism. Among her many degrees and certifications she is a Board Certified Behavior Analyst-Doctorate and a Doctorate from Teachers College, Columbia University. Her writing has appeared in NY Parenting, NBC Parenting Toolkit, and numerous blogs. She lives in Brooklyn where she practices yoga and craniosacral therapy in her off time. She also has a new book out called Love Your Classroom Again.